Have you ever gone in the bathroom to brush your hair or teeth or wash your hands and ended up flossing for an hour or doing a facial deep cleanse, unprovoked?

Then you notice some darker areas in the grout of the sink and get out the bleach and sponge… it just takes over. Im not typically this anal or OCD, but it happens on occasion. My kids can walk into the bathroom finding me inspecting my teeth in contorted facial expressions.

In a way my brain is telling me Im preparing for bed and Im going to be THAT MUCH BETTER tonight as I sleep, but what I end up doing is climbing into bed at some awful hour only to wake up with toothpaste around my mouth, bits and peices of facial scrub in the corners of my hairline and nose, and a raw face- perhaps missing some of my eyebrows from over zealous plucking. I can only wonder what my husband is thinking as we wake up in the morning. “Sleep hard last night, Honey?”

But sometimes it’s late at night in the bathroom when you can really re-connect with yourself again.

If you have a family as large as I do, it can start to feel like your colors and features sort of blur and fade away and meld into everyone else. As I heard it once best said- where do I end and the family begin? You stop looking in the mirror- I mean.. REALLY looking in the mirror. The extent is about as much as enough to pull your hair up or make sure you dont have green herbs stuck in your teeth. What color is my hair and eyes again?

But late at night after everyone is asleep, you get caught in this alternate dimension of who you are. It’s just you the mirror and tools. Soaps, water, brushes, scrubs- you. You might just stand there and look at yourself in the mirror for a few extra seconds. No one is really waiting for you except the bed because- everyone else is already asleep.

Nothing is becconing you away from your dimension, needing anything, pulling you away from yourself. And you can take a moment and inspect your hands and face.

Hello hands, how are you? It’s been a long time since we have spent any special time together, I hardly recognize you anymore. Have you seen how grey hair has become lately? Yes, the years have gone bye, haven’t they.

My veins seem to be more pronounced than I have ever remember them being. I used to stare for a long time at my hands when I was younger and grounded to my bed or room. Getting lost in the creaces, nooks, and crannies of my skin patterns, the pores, the maps of veins and scars.

I never would have guessed that I would have ended up spending so much time away from myself, when I was younger. Youth is very self-serving emotionally yet physically you are a slave to everyone else’s plans for you. I’m not sure exactly what reconnecting with how time is effecting you does, but it was something interesting to ponder.

For the most part- all I want is to be satisfied in all I am and do. I don’t want to be wanting and dissapointed in the changes life shells out. I want to grow old gracefully with open arms, appreciating the wisdom I now have and embracing seniority istead of pushing it away.

Still, it feels good to know Im still here somewhere, locked in this mommy-body wih these hands, and this hair. I just need to say hi now and then late at night, when getting ready for bed.

-Jyn